Imagine a friend of yours telling you, “I’m so exhausted. My kid just argues with me constantly and I end up losing it on him. It is just beating me down.”
What would you say to that friend??
Maybe something like “Ugh. I’ve been there. That is so hard.”
Now what about yourself? When you are the mom who is worn out by mom life and lose your patience with your kids….what do you say to yourself? What does your mind like to tell you? Do you hear that calm & supportive voice of a good friend? Or do you hear the voice of the inner critic who beats you up and makes things worse?
Most of us hear the inner critic who likes to remind us of our shortcomings. You know the voice. The one you hear at 3am that likes to revisit that stupid thing you said in the 8th grade. That’s the same voice the mom guilt thoughts and the shoulds.
Self-compassion teaches us how to be kinder to ourselves when that inner critic voice inevitably shows up.
The mom guilt thoughts that pop up and telling us we aren’t good enough- those are just words and sentences being told to us by our minds or our inner critics. They aren’t hard and fast truths we must cling to and believe.
Is this inner critic voice coming from a good place? Why does it exist? Is it trying to protect us?
Considering this inner critic voice as an observer like this can give us a little distance from those mom guilt thoughts. That little bit of distance can sometimes be enough to lift some of the burden off our shoulders and give us the space to choose our reactions and responses. Another way to handle this inner critic voice is to pause and consider how a good friend would talk to you in that exact same situation. Try saying those same words to yourself; out loud if you can.
Tell yourself something like one of these:
- This is hard.
- You’re doing the best you can right now.
- It is okay that things are hard.
- You are not alone.
- You are capable.
- You are such a great mom.
These aren’t just good ideas to help you be kinder to yourself. There’s a ton of research behind self-compassion that touts the benefits. As moms, being kinder to ourselves gives us the ability to choose our reactions more intentionally. It gives us the space to look at these critical thoughts, worries, and feelings that hook us and drag us down the rabbit hole.
As a behavior analyst, I love to study and share Acceptance and Commitment Training (ACT) with others. Self-compassion pairs well with ACT particularly in the area of cognitive defusion.
We all need a good friend to remind us that we are doing great and this mom job is just hard. But stop and consider how you can be that good friend to yourself also.
Next time your inner critic pipes up, pause and try this reframe: How would I talk to a good friend in this exact same situation? And then say those words of self-kindness to yourself.
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